ILUSOH.COM
I have only said that I was in love with someone three times in my life.. I am ashamed to say that one of those was a lie. A lie I did knowingly, and will never do again.
First was a wonderful woman.. Strong and she had the one trait that no one else has had. She was tenacious. She took no quarter and let nothing.. NOTHING STOP HER FROM WHAT SHE WANTED... I admire that trait and I feel that I now have it as I do so many other things because of my brief time with her.. I had two wonderful years, we were young, we were truly soul mates. And I mean it in every sense of the word. Totally spiritually united no matter how far apart we were.
I made a terrible mistake with her. She was tormented by another man. One that had no use for this hippy type person that his daughter loved. I was investigated, followed and he caused a terrible struggle within her. As most girls do she loved her dad. One can only watch someone they love hurt for so long, before it becomes evident something had to be done. I never tried to put a wedge between her and him that he did between us. And when my mother got ill, I had to move to be closer to her. I moved and then the struggle began..
I recall her calling from the closet in the basement and begging me to comeback immediately. I still hear the panic and stress. I did not go back. And I let her go - feeling that she needed to finish her school, and once out of the house we would reconcile..
That did not happen. A while later I received a copy of a wedding announcement to a man with a prestigious family name. Society - Power - all the things her father wanted.. There is more to this story, but not to be shared here....
I ambled through life, began a career and was attracting women with major problems. It was O.K. I have never minded being a friend.. And then one day as I sat by the pool this woman approached the other tenant who was sharing the table with me and he introduced her. It was his 50th birthday. She stayed no longer than 5 minutes and I said nothing more to her after the introduction.
When she turned and left for church I told her father that I was going to marry her. He laughed and told me that she was engaged to the same man she had dated since high school. I told him again that I knew I was going to marry her.
I had know her father for 5 years. He never had mentioned a daughter. To my knowledge that was the first time she had been to the apartments. But the next day when I returned from work there she was floating in the pool, and I offered her a coke. We were married about 8 months later. It lasted 8 years and we both agree that she is better because of the experience..
I lied to her.. I was not in love with her. I wanted what I felt for my first love. At least that or more... And I knew it was a special love, one that was a gift. One that was the type that romance novels just briefly give a glimpse of..
The woman I married was a good woman, and I began to feel at 33 that I was tired of being alone. I felt that I could do no better. And she did love me and I made her happy.
Unfortunately the minute she said I do.. She fell into what she saw her role as. And she had mine all figured out as well. I made every effort and was successful at our not becoming parents... I even learned that guys could fake it. In the end after she went through school, she turned into a clone of what I was. A type A driven person. I guess I knew it was over in the first year, but I kept hoping.. And I hate failure and quitting..
She used to laugh at my keeping lists. In the end it was the lists that told the tale and rang the death knell. One morning I arose - it was a Saturday, and she as still asleep. Her list was on the coffee table for the weekend, and I picked it up and looked at it. I then picked up mine. There was nothing at all in common..
The separation and divorce was easy and uncontested. We went into an attorney with a property settlement and in 5 minutes it was over. 6 months later I received the papers...
At 50 - after five years of living a hermits life, with my only outside contact on the internet.. I was able to get in touch with a friend from High School.. And romance blossomed.. I never knew exactly how deep my love could run. And It was deeper and more profound than my first. But after 15 months it became evident that how I loved.. And the depth and breath and scope of my love was unmatched...
As I did with my marriage I waited too long. I allowed her to break two of the three rules that I led my life by, that I expected only acquaintances to follow.. They were not tough..
I guess I did not want to lose the feelings.. I am happiest when I am a deep love.. But needless to say it failed...
All I have ever said is that I wanted someone to love me as I love them. As deeply and as powerfully and as totally committed to our union. As I did with my father for so many years, I placed unreal expectations on someone that was not able to be what I wanted or needed.
Sadly, she cannot ever feel what I felt for her.. Her experiences with love are all based on approval. Mine are based on respect and commitment and ones words matching their actions...
I do not regret the feelings I had.. I was genuinely in love.. And there will always be a place there that loves her.. Even though I am unsure at this time of how much pain that I endured was only because of her need for attention and reassurance.. She like so many others battles the phenomenon of aging!
Unfortunately I have never been around someone where love grew or was nurtured. If I could "fall into love" that way I would have with several people that only were ever friends.. Love comes upon me like a cannon shot. It is unpredictable and I doubt I will ever have the depth of feeling again that I have had twice in my life now..
But I had twice what most never have.. Can never dream of or even imagine...
Who am I to deny that it could happen again..
That is why I am here.. Typing this... I will never lose hope... Or ever lose the gratitude that I Had the feelings that I did...